It has been five months since I last posted on here - and maternity leave sounds like a million miles away, so much so that I am thinking about upping my days next year, whilst my 'mummy' friends are planning their next one!
So what did the last five months have in store?
September was an interesting one - it started off with us in A&E the night before the new term started after Maya choked on a pea (I knew there was a reason that I have always believed peas to be evil!). A week later we were back at the hospital meeting my lovely little nephew Jenson, who spent the first few days of his life scaring us in special care, whilst Sharon spent her birthday away from him on ward with a horrible infection. Surprisingly I enjoyed being back at work and settling in with my new colleagues.
In October I embraced being less of an arsehole at work - and decided not to invest all my time with the career ladder climbers and branch out and make some new friends - which is going okay. Already I was totally swamped at work and often working on my days off whilst Maya was asleep - I guess that's what you get when every scheme of work needs rewriting and you are trying to plan and resource Entry Level English with absolutely no help from the department you would expect to run it. Why bother to teach these challenging kids yourself when you can get the head of geography to do it, therefore eating into her actual geography teaching time and slightly wasting her skills?? October also saw me 'abandoning my family' according to my mother-in-law as I headed north of the border for a much needed catch up with Beccy. It was so lovely to be able to go out late and sleep until 10, pop to a wine cellar without thinking about stopping at 2 in case Maya wakes in the night! Sitting around in my pjs and watching shite TV was a luxury! Apparently poor James could barely cope in my absence - which was actually a load of crap he confirmed - but I still overheard the MIL telling my five year old niece that "Maya's mummy abandoned her for a few days so she is feeling very insecure" - aargh!!!
November and December went in a blur of baby swimming and Pyjama Drama - as well as a bit of too much festive drinking! Christmas with a toddler was fun, except for the 4 hour power cut on Christmas Day and the few days afterwards with the in-laws, who after 12 years still have a knack of making me feel spectacularly unwelcome and uncomfortable in their freezing cold house! In fact the MIL got so angry when she overheard a snippet of an argument between James and I, that she had to go out for a walk to calm down - if only she knew she had actually caused that fucking argument in the first place!!
January saw lots of snow and other rubbish cold weather - unfortunately the main focus of the month took place right at the end when a motorcyclist hit my car as I was trying to reverse onto the drive. Luckily there were no injuries (apart to my car) despite his attempt at pursuing a personal injury claim. It was also a month dominated by the feeling of working with idiots who get paid too much for the role they actually do (or don't do in many cases). Last week's R&D meeting was a prime example of this when many people's contribution was to read part of a book which bore no relevance to anything being discusses, and an hour into the meeting someone said "oh, this is just like.....why don't we focus on those? - a point I had actually made several meetings before and then had dismissed! However clarity didn't last long as soon we were back to time wasting as we discussed what to call them!
Anyway so it's already February - Maya was 19 months old yesterday and this week saw her leaving the baby room at nursery and joining Pippins. How on earth has that come around already? And I know she is ready to move up (and obviously towers over most of the others) but I will be sad to see her leaving the girls who have done such a fantastic job caring for her - most apparently last week when she was really poorly. Unfortunately she appears to be getting a bit more fussy with food, and her and her little friends have started to 'fight' rather than play nicely, however she can do a mean range of animal noises and has embraced bus spotting! She is exhausting - and I am considering going up to four days next year for a bit of a break!
Saturday, 9 February 2013
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
Those who can.... teach. Really?
So maternity leave has finally drawn to an end. Sad times. There will be no more singing in the library, no more drinking enormous hot chocolates and eating cake in Costa or Cafe Nero, and there will be no more laying in and watching films in bed - although this one ended a while back when Maya suddenly decided that laying in bed was boring!
So on Wednesday 20th June, after exactly a year off, I headed back to work. I wasn't worried about leaving Maya as she had already been in nursery for a few weeks and was very happy there, however I was concerned about my ability to teach after having a year off.
I drove in with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, which wasn't that much to be honest. Straight away I felt that I had never been away, I couldn't lock my car due to some problem that no-one can explain, that has been affecting cars on the school site for about three years now, the Year 11s were hanging around getting in everyone's way and the Humanities office looked like a bomb had gone off in it. My classroom looked a bit of a tip too.
Fortunately I only had 4 and a half weeks at work before the summer holidays and a very light timetable so I could spend time rewriting schemes of work and preparing for the next year. However those weeks weren't the best of my teaching career! Lauren and I were picking up the odd Key Stage 3 class here and there - and we were sharing those so we only saw them twice. This was a good thing, as generally they were horrible and thought we were supply teachers, they had also been taught by non-specialists before so didn't really like geography very much. I think I had totally forgotten about how pathetic some kids are - and actually just how many rude and difficult pupils we actually have at our school.
Our plan to share a timetable soon went out of the window - we would be sharing a ropey Year 11 form group, but various timetabling issues meant that Lauren would be teaching no geography and I would be teaching a huge chunk of Entry Level English - this took weeks to sort out and communication was very poor leaving us in an awkward position. On raising this with my line manager I experienced a barrage of aggressive bullying and refusal to accept any blame. Apparently I will find it hard to balance work and home - at the moment I would just like a chance to try as someone is not to keen to hand back the reigns of my department and let me get on with it.
Anyway I was very pleased when the summer holiday arrived - however I had a mountain of work to get through: rewriting 14 schemes of work for Key Stage 3, rewriting the GCSE schemes of work, planning for Entry Level English and marking coursework. So most days when Maya was in nursery I was ploughing on and trying to make some headway. In fact I actually worked more this holiday than I have done in the past - despite now only being paid 0.6. Why? Probably because I am a bit of a mug. Also I know that the rest of my department will not have done their allocation!
On results day I went in for an hour or so, not because I wanted to, but because I felt that I should. Results were disappointing, but that's what you get when so many grotty kids opt for your subject, you give two difficult groups to NQTs, and pupils spend much more time revising for core subjects than yours. However I felt strangely detached from it all - the students I had taught in Year 10 did very well, but as I hadn't taught them at all in Year 11 I didn't feel anything. Overall the results of the entire school were quite poor - which makes me feel a bit better about our subject, but also I know that we will hear nothing but this when we get back.
So the new term is just around the corner... am I looking forward to getting back into the swing of things? Well no, actually, anything but. I don't really know what it is. James is starting at a brand new school which is quite exciting, and I think I am a bit jealous of that. I think I am also getting itchy feet - I have been at my school now for eight years, however now I am part-time I won't be able to get another subject leader role - so I think I am feeling a little bit at a dead-end. I think mostly I know that I don't want to do this job forever, but have no idea what to do, particularly something that will pay as well as my current post.
I think I just need to get back and embrace the new term, and hope that my past enthusiasm returns, and I will start to remember why I entered teaching in the first place. At the moment I am not sure, which makes me feel a bit sad.
So on Wednesday 20th June, after exactly a year off, I headed back to work. I wasn't worried about leaving Maya as she had already been in nursery for a few weeks and was very happy there, however I was concerned about my ability to teach after having a year off.
I drove in with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, which wasn't that much to be honest. Straight away I felt that I had never been away, I couldn't lock my car due to some problem that no-one can explain, that has been affecting cars on the school site for about three years now, the Year 11s were hanging around getting in everyone's way and the Humanities office looked like a bomb had gone off in it. My classroom looked a bit of a tip too.
Fortunately I only had 4 and a half weeks at work before the summer holidays and a very light timetable so I could spend time rewriting schemes of work and preparing for the next year. However those weeks weren't the best of my teaching career! Lauren and I were picking up the odd Key Stage 3 class here and there - and we were sharing those so we only saw them twice. This was a good thing, as generally they were horrible and thought we were supply teachers, they had also been taught by non-specialists before so didn't really like geography very much. I think I had totally forgotten about how pathetic some kids are - and actually just how many rude and difficult pupils we actually have at our school.
Our plan to share a timetable soon went out of the window - we would be sharing a ropey Year 11 form group, but various timetabling issues meant that Lauren would be teaching no geography and I would be teaching a huge chunk of Entry Level English - this took weeks to sort out and communication was very poor leaving us in an awkward position. On raising this with my line manager I experienced a barrage of aggressive bullying and refusal to accept any blame. Apparently I will find it hard to balance work and home - at the moment I would just like a chance to try as someone is not to keen to hand back the reigns of my department and let me get on with it.
Anyway I was very pleased when the summer holiday arrived - however I had a mountain of work to get through: rewriting 14 schemes of work for Key Stage 3, rewriting the GCSE schemes of work, planning for Entry Level English and marking coursework. So most days when Maya was in nursery I was ploughing on and trying to make some headway. In fact I actually worked more this holiday than I have done in the past - despite now only being paid 0.6. Why? Probably because I am a bit of a mug. Also I know that the rest of my department will not have done their allocation!
On results day I went in for an hour or so, not because I wanted to, but because I felt that I should. Results were disappointing, but that's what you get when so many grotty kids opt for your subject, you give two difficult groups to NQTs, and pupils spend much more time revising for core subjects than yours. However I felt strangely detached from it all - the students I had taught in Year 10 did very well, but as I hadn't taught them at all in Year 11 I didn't feel anything. Overall the results of the entire school were quite poor - which makes me feel a bit better about our subject, but also I know that we will hear nothing but this when we get back.
So the new term is just around the corner... am I looking forward to getting back into the swing of things? Well no, actually, anything but. I don't really know what it is. James is starting at a brand new school which is quite exciting, and I think I am a bit jealous of that. I think I am also getting itchy feet - I have been at my school now for eight years, however now I am part-time I won't be able to get another subject leader role - so I think I am feeling a little bit at a dead-end. I think mostly I know that I don't want to do this job forever, but have no idea what to do, particularly something that will pay as well as my current post.
I think I just need to get back and embrace the new term, and hope that my past enthusiasm returns, and I will start to remember why I entered teaching in the first place. At the moment I am not sure, which makes me feel a bit sad.
She's growing up too fast!
Wednesday 30th May was a big day for us - it was Maya's first trial at nursery, and the first time I would be leaving her with someone I didn't know.
Choosing a nursery wasn't a hard task for us - we had a choice of 3 that opened at 7.30am - Just Learning at Rushmere and Pinewood, and Birch Farm at Hintlesham. Both of the Just Learning nurseries are not on my way to work - although sadly Maya's little friends Maggie and Jack were going to one of them. Still they don't have to do everything together! Birch Farm was perfect - 10 mintes from my work and I drive right past it anyway.
So back in February Mum and I went to have a look round, and then I took James the following week. Straight away I knew that it was right for us, and of course more importantly, right for Maya. It has a beautiful setting - right out in the countryside, so feels really safe. The facilities and staff are lovely too. I was expecting it to be pristene so was initially disappointed - until I realised that that should have worried me - a tidy nursery doesn't exactly scream 'play'!
So our trial day came round - I don't think I was ready and I was worried about leaving Maya. However it was only for 90 minutes, and as soon as we were there she was happy and excited by everything around her. Her key worker Diane was lovely (actually a mum from my school!) and took her out of my arms so I left them to it.
That 90 minutes was very strange - I had no idea what to do with myself! In fact I just spent the time shuffling around Tesco - a place that I despise!! However when I picked her up she looked very settled and had been enjoying her morning outside playing with all of the different toys and seemed very comfortable with her key worker.
Friday that week we had another trial morning, which again she loved, and during the half term she started properly completing two days. James and I once again didn't really know what to do with ourselves - we went to get our hair cut on the Wednesday and had lunch at the Nelson. On Friday we wandered around the shops again and went for lunch at the Greyhound. It was nice not to have to worry whether our chosen venue for lunch was baby friendly, and it was nice to be able to use escalators and not have to wait ages for for lifts clogged up with fat lazy people! Each time we picked Maya up she cried - mainly because she couldn't get to us quick enough - but also because she was so happy there.
Unfortunately on the day I returned to work properly she cried when I dropped her off - suddenly she had realised that I would be leaving her for several hours. This was my worse nightmare for my first day back, as I really didn't want to go to work anyway!
We had a couple of weeks of this, with the occasional tears at pick up time too. However now when I drop her off she is so unbelievably excited - and is so confident with the other children and staff. A couple of weeks ago we actually had our first parents' evening consultation - this was certainly more enjoyable than the ones I have as a teacher, and it was amazing to see everything that they had noted down about her and just how much she had changed in the space of a few months.
The whole experience has made me feel very very proud indeed, but also a little bit sad that she is growing up so fast!
Choosing a nursery wasn't a hard task for us - we had a choice of 3 that opened at 7.30am - Just Learning at Rushmere and Pinewood, and Birch Farm at Hintlesham. Both of the Just Learning nurseries are not on my way to work - although sadly Maya's little friends Maggie and Jack were going to one of them. Still they don't have to do everything together! Birch Farm was perfect - 10 mintes from my work and I drive right past it anyway.
So back in February Mum and I went to have a look round, and then I took James the following week. Straight away I knew that it was right for us, and of course more importantly, right for Maya. It has a beautiful setting - right out in the countryside, so feels really safe. The facilities and staff are lovely too. I was expecting it to be pristene so was initially disappointed - until I realised that that should have worried me - a tidy nursery doesn't exactly scream 'play'!
So our trial day came round - I don't think I was ready and I was worried about leaving Maya. However it was only for 90 minutes, and as soon as we were there she was happy and excited by everything around her. Her key worker Diane was lovely (actually a mum from my school!) and took her out of my arms so I left them to it.
That 90 minutes was very strange - I had no idea what to do with myself! In fact I just spent the time shuffling around Tesco - a place that I despise!! However when I picked her up she looked very settled and had been enjoying her morning outside playing with all of the different toys and seemed very comfortable with her key worker.
Friday that week we had another trial morning, which again she loved, and during the half term she started properly completing two days. James and I once again didn't really know what to do with ourselves - we went to get our hair cut on the Wednesday and had lunch at the Nelson. On Friday we wandered around the shops again and went for lunch at the Greyhound. It was nice not to have to worry whether our chosen venue for lunch was baby friendly, and it was nice to be able to use escalators and not have to wait ages for for lifts clogged up with fat lazy people! Each time we picked Maya up she cried - mainly because she couldn't get to us quick enough - but also because she was so happy there.
Unfortunately on the day I returned to work properly she cried when I dropped her off - suddenly she had realised that I would be leaving her for several hours. This was my worse nightmare for my first day back, as I really didn't want to go to work anyway!
We had a couple of weeks of this, with the occasional tears at pick up time too. However now when I drop her off she is so unbelievably excited - and is so confident with the other children and staff. A couple of weeks ago we actually had our first parents' evening consultation - this was certainly more enjoyable than the ones I have as a teacher, and it was amazing to see everything that they had noted down about her and just how much she had changed in the space of a few months.
The whole experience has made me feel very very proud indeed, but also a little bit sad that she is growing up so fast!
Friday, 6 April 2012
One born every minute....
My friends raved about this program when it first came on (ok, not all of them - just one baby mad one in particular) but I always resisted, even when I was pregnant last year I chose not to tune in as I thought it would either annoy me or scare me.
Babies change you in every possible way - and now I regular tune in and am frequently moved to tears. Yes, some of the coupleS annoy me and I have to wonder what sort of person allows this event to be broadcast on national TV, and the VT bits about how they met, etc, really irritate me, but on the whole I love the show. It is amazing to actually see someone give birth - as when you do it you don't actually get to see a lot. Stand-out moments for me have been....
Anyway I think OBEM is an amazing programme - compulsive viewing definitely, so I was quite looking forward to watching the special 'One Year On', particularly as the three couples on it all had babies who are now nine months old, the same age as Maya.
My goodness, it was really eye-opening and once again made me truly thankful for what a good baby Maya is. None of the couple had any form of routine in their lives - something we have had in place for the best part of six months now - feeding was a nightmare and they were all still getting up several times in the night. Now Maya doesn't always sleep through but she does usually - she goes to be between 7 and 7.30 and we don't usually hear a peep from her until 6am. Admittedly that's earlier than I would choose to get up but so much better than getting up during the night!
None of them took their babies anywhere or did anything with them. We have just had a few days away in North Norfolk - Maya was fantastic throughout. She slept well in the cot bed, ate all her meals well, allowed us to eat lunch out twice (although was a bit tired and grizzly through one following a knackering hour long swim - but that was our fault entirely) and absolutely loved being in her new rucksack. The whole time she was smiling and giggling and gibbering away like a monkey - completely different to the grizzly cry babies in on the show.
I feel at times that I am a crap mum who copes very badly with many aspects of motherhood (eg. the sickness bug that wiped Maya and I out last week and resulted in James having to take several days off work to look after Maya as I couldn't), but seeing these families made me feel so much better, the babies really seemed to be so much younger than Maya and much harder work. It made me realise that I am actually doing an alright job and Maya is developing into an amazing little person - so we must be doing something right!!!
Babies change you in every possible way - and now I regular tune in and am frequently moved to tears. Yes, some of the coupleS annoy me and I have to wonder what sort of person allows this event to be broadcast on national TV, and the VT bits about how they met, etc, really irritate me, but on the whole I love the show. It is amazing to actually see someone give birth - as when you do it you don't actually get to see a lot. Stand-out moments for me have been....
- The young woman from this week whose partner had decided he didn't want anything to do with her and the baby, she was lovely and will make an amazing mum;
- The woman whose baby literally flew out!
- The 16 year old whose baby arrived 10 weeks early and how amazingly she coped with being in hospital for so long, and how sad it was that she didn't get to hold her baby until her 17th birthday.
- The birth which was just like mine - everything going ok then slows down to nothing and the forceps are whipped out - was pretty shocked to see just how hard the midwives were pulling the baby, and even more shocked when James said that I was dragged down the bed.
- The horrific scenes when one baby got stuck and they had to break its shoulder to get it out, and then watching its lifeless body as they tried (and thankfully succeeded) to bring it round. Truly the most harrowing thing I have ever seen.
Anyway I think OBEM is an amazing programme - compulsive viewing definitely, so I was quite looking forward to watching the special 'One Year On', particularly as the three couples on it all had babies who are now nine months old, the same age as Maya.
My goodness, it was really eye-opening and once again made me truly thankful for what a good baby Maya is. None of the couple had any form of routine in their lives - something we have had in place for the best part of six months now - feeding was a nightmare and they were all still getting up several times in the night. Now Maya doesn't always sleep through but she does usually - she goes to be between 7 and 7.30 and we don't usually hear a peep from her until 6am. Admittedly that's earlier than I would choose to get up but so much better than getting up during the night!
None of them took their babies anywhere or did anything with them. We have just had a few days away in North Norfolk - Maya was fantastic throughout. She slept well in the cot bed, ate all her meals well, allowed us to eat lunch out twice (although was a bit tired and grizzly through one following a knackering hour long swim - but that was our fault entirely) and absolutely loved being in her new rucksack. The whole time she was smiling and giggling and gibbering away like a monkey - completely different to the grizzly cry babies in on the show.
I feel at times that I am a crap mum who copes very badly with many aspects of motherhood (eg. the sickness bug that wiped Maya and I out last week and resulted in James having to take several days off work to look after Maya as I couldn't), but seeing these families made me feel so much better, the babies really seemed to be so much younger than Maya and much harder work. It made me realise that I am actually doing an alright job and Maya is developing into an amazing little person - so we must be doing something right!!!
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
A different person...
My dad John, has always been a man's man - not especially in touch with his feminine side and finds it hard to express his emotions. Or so I thought throughout my formative years.
How times change...
Over the last few years I have seen him cry at both mine and my sister's weddings, whilst delivering speeches which have everyone reaching for their tissues. I have come to realise that he is emotional about things that really matter - his family. My dad couldn't be more proud of my sister and I - and neither of us are remarkable in our achievements.
He married very young and had two kids by his early 20s - and when this all fell apart he missed out on them growing up. Our half-sisters are horrible people, they only contact Dad when they want/need something, are always bickering over something (despite being in their 40s) and made it almost impossible for Dad to have any sort of relationship with them.
They are stupid, and are missing out on so much. He will do anything for us (and for most people infact).
Last year when Maya was born we saw a completely different side to Dad. He tried hard to hide his tears when he held her for the first time, but we could see that he was completely in love with her already. Since his retirement we has spent at least one day a week with her, and is always showering her with gifts - if it's not a big noisy toy, it's a beautiful outfit or something to eat. We tell him not to, but it gives him a huge amount of pleasure to spoil her.
Don't get me wrong, Mum is also fantastic with Maya - but we knew she would be. Dad, however, was another kettle of fish. Tonight (whilst mum is in hospital recovering from a knee replacement) Dad came and had his dinner with us, and he fed Maya her tea and gave her her bath - if you had told me this would happen last year - I wouldn't have believed you!
The amazing thing about babies - whilst they can test your patience and allow your worst side to say hello to the world (usually as you are so sleep deprived) - they bring out the absolute best in you and everyone close to them.
How times change...
Over the last few years I have seen him cry at both mine and my sister's weddings, whilst delivering speeches which have everyone reaching for their tissues. I have come to realise that he is emotional about things that really matter - his family. My dad couldn't be more proud of my sister and I - and neither of us are remarkable in our achievements.
He married very young and had two kids by his early 20s - and when this all fell apart he missed out on them growing up. Our half-sisters are horrible people, they only contact Dad when they want/need something, are always bickering over something (despite being in their 40s) and made it almost impossible for Dad to have any sort of relationship with them.
They are stupid, and are missing out on so much. He will do anything for us (and for most people infact).
Last year when Maya was born we saw a completely different side to Dad. He tried hard to hide his tears when he held her for the first time, but we could see that he was completely in love with her already. Since his retirement we has spent at least one day a week with her, and is always showering her with gifts - if it's not a big noisy toy, it's a beautiful outfit or something to eat. We tell him not to, but it gives him a huge amount of pleasure to spoil her.
Don't get me wrong, Mum is also fantastic with Maya - but we knew she would be. Dad, however, was another kettle of fish. Tonight (whilst mum is in hospital recovering from a knee replacement) Dad came and had his dinner with us, and he fed Maya her tea and gave her her bath - if you had told me this would happen last year - I wouldn't have believed you!
The amazing thing about babies - whilst they can test your patience and allow your worst side to say hello to the world (usually as you are so sleep deprived) - they bring out the absolute best in you and everyone close to them.
Happy mothers day!
So did us first time mummies have a fabulous mothers day this year?
Well according to Facebook and Twitter most of my friends certainly did. Unfortunately I did not....
It's been an odd fortnight - once again Maya has been ill - babies seem to collect colds like they are going out of fashion! She has been a grumpy ball of snot and even whinged all the way around the zoo the other day - something she normally squeals with delight at. Nights have been spent coughing like a tramp so sleep has not been readily available - which has not helped cope with a grumpy baby. She even went mental in the doctors surgery the other day - usually she prefers to portray a vision of optimum health when we visit the GP in order to make me look like a mental overprotective time waster.
Anyway towards the end of last week things were looking up, she loved her swimming lesson, enjoyed being the centre of attention at a picnic when all the other babies were having a nap and slept through on several nights.
However, in the early hours of Sunday morning she decided that sleeping through wasn't for her - and she wasn't going to cooperate in light of it being Mother's day. So we were up nice and early - around 6.30 - and by 7 she was all smiles and enjoying eating the wrapping paper my presents came in. Morning nap time seemed fine, but late morning, just after I had made the effort to put a dress on and straighten my hair, she decided to turn into a devil baby. She screamed throughout her lunch - which we were hoping would be a speedy affair as we had a 1pm reservation at Bencotto (one of my most favourite places to eat - and one I was so looking forward to celebrating my first mother's day in).
By 12.45 we realised that lunch wasn't going to happen, as Maya would not stop screaming - she was going properly mental (which luckily we don't see very often). I was so upset and in the end spent my mother's day lunchtime, storming out as I couldn't listen to her anymore, sitting at the bus stop before just walking around in tears. I was really angry that because I was wearing a dress - and I was so fucking cold that I had to go home - she was still screaming and refusing to be put down for a sleep. I felt really upset - surely as a mum you should be allowed just one day when you are the centre of attention? I felt angry and frustrated - you give up so much when you choose to have a baby and just wanted this day to be special. I actually spent a bit of the day wondering why I had bothered and longing for my life before.
Of course once I had calmed down (which did eventually happen, after a ridiculous amount of sobbing), I realised that Maya hadn't done any of it on purpose, it was just one of those things. She is normally so good when we take her out - so we didn't think for one minute that our special day wouldn't go to plan. Anyway of course I felt horrendous for thinking/saying the things I had - and made sure I took time to reflect on how lucky I am....
...and I am fully aware of this. Maya is perfect in every way. She is beautiful, full of smiles and amazes me every single day. I have spent time over the last week with people who have reinforced this - someone who had a miscarriage a few days after Maya was born and someone very close to me who has been waiting several weeks to see if her unborn baby has Downs - thankfully it doesn't. We should always remember that babies never plan to make us unhappy, and actually when I really consider it she makes me happy 99% of the time and I wouldn't change anything about her. Next time when I am feeling hard done by and irrational I will just need to remember that I am fucking lucky and need to get over myself!
Well according to Facebook and Twitter most of my friends certainly did. Unfortunately I did not....
It's been an odd fortnight - once again Maya has been ill - babies seem to collect colds like they are going out of fashion! She has been a grumpy ball of snot and even whinged all the way around the zoo the other day - something she normally squeals with delight at. Nights have been spent coughing like a tramp so sleep has not been readily available - which has not helped cope with a grumpy baby. She even went mental in the doctors surgery the other day - usually she prefers to portray a vision of optimum health when we visit the GP in order to make me look like a mental overprotective time waster.
Anyway towards the end of last week things were looking up, she loved her swimming lesson, enjoyed being the centre of attention at a picnic when all the other babies were having a nap and slept through on several nights.
However, in the early hours of Sunday morning she decided that sleeping through wasn't for her - and she wasn't going to cooperate in light of it being Mother's day. So we were up nice and early - around 6.30 - and by 7 she was all smiles and enjoying eating the wrapping paper my presents came in. Morning nap time seemed fine, but late morning, just after I had made the effort to put a dress on and straighten my hair, she decided to turn into a devil baby. She screamed throughout her lunch - which we were hoping would be a speedy affair as we had a 1pm reservation at Bencotto (one of my most favourite places to eat - and one I was so looking forward to celebrating my first mother's day in).
By 12.45 we realised that lunch wasn't going to happen, as Maya would not stop screaming - she was going properly mental (which luckily we don't see very often). I was so upset and in the end spent my mother's day lunchtime, storming out as I couldn't listen to her anymore, sitting at the bus stop before just walking around in tears. I was really angry that because I was wearing a dress - and I was so fucking cold that I had to go home - she was still screaming and refusing to be put down for a sleep. I felt really upset - surely as a mum you should be allowed just one day when you are the centre of attention? I felt angry and frustrated - you give up so much when you choose to have a baby and just wanted this day to be special. I actually spent a bit of the day wondering why I had bothered and longing for my life before.
Of course once I had calmed down (which did eventually happen, after a ridiculous amount of sobbing), I realised that Maya hadn't done any of it on purpose, it was just one of those things. She is normally so good when we take her out - so we didn't think for one minute that our special day wouldn't go to plan. Anyway of course I felt horrendous for thinking/saying the things I had - and made sure I took time to reflect on how lucky I am....
...and I am fully aware of this. Maya is perfect in every way. She is beautiful, full of smiles and amazes me every single day. I have spent time over the last week with people who have reinforced this - someone who had a miscarriage a few days after Maya was born and someone very close to me who has been waiting several weeks to see if her unborn baby has Downs - thankfully it doesn't. We should always remember that babies never plan to make us unhappy, and actually when I really consider it she makes me happy 99% of the time and I wouldn't change anything about her. Next time when I am feeling hard done by and irrational I will just need to remember that I am fucking lucky and need to get over myself!
Friday, 2 March 2012
Another week of highbrow activities...
So chicken pox has finally left the building, although we now think that Maya also had hand, foot and mouth - as I got it too! I discovered this late last week after we had bene in quarantine (and getting very bored I might add - who knew you could miss singing in the library so much?!). My hands felt like I had constant pins and needles and the soles of my feet were burning as if I had been dancing the night away in inappropriate footwear - chance would be a fine thing! Another delightful trip to the GP confirmed my fears, and stated that Maya could actually have both conditions at once. He also patronisingly pointed out that it wasn't related to the disease that affects livestock! Luckily I only had a very mild bout - much less severe than the scaremongering on NHS Choices had led me to believe. Her bout of chicken pox was also relatively mild, making me now wonder whether she actually had it at all or was it just hand, foot and mouth. Everyone says it was chicken pox due to the scabs - but I guess we'll never know. Next time we come across a baby with it Maya will be forced to spend some time with them just to be sure!
Anyway this week was back to normal, with one noticeable exception - the lovely weather. This has been a week of sun and no need for a big coat, I even managed to hang some washing out - such a sad thing to get excited about!
Maya and I have been walking all over the place. After I had her I was delighted to discover that I actually weighed less than before I got pregnant. Unfortunately after almost eight months of eating loads and using the breastfeeding excuse (which ran out three months ago) I think I have almost piled it all back on. Now by no means will I be starring on any sensitively titled Channel 4 documentaries in the future or have just my arse filmed by a news reporter as I walk down the high street, but as I did manage to lose that weight last night, it would be nice to do it again. I would also like to start running, but am fully aware that I do not have the commitment to probably even start this one!
So I am hoping that if I keep walking all over the place I might get a bit fitter. I am also trying to eat cake less often. Failed today after some delicious lemon cake in Costa (well, I did miss breakfast!). Monday was just a gentle stroll up to the Murray Road play area. Not the nicest of play areas but does have baby swings so it kept us busy for half an hour or so. On Tuesday we walked over 4 miles with the buggy - Maya and I had a little trip to the play area in Holywells Park to go to the play area, then after a quick rest at home we got Paddy and headed out again. This time a big loop around Murray Road and Landseer Parks - both Paddy and I were wiped out by the end of the afternoon. Maya was not.
Wednesday saw us getting back into our normal baby activities - we kicked off with singing in the library at Woodbridge, followed by a trip to the play area, lunch outside a cafe, a reasonably long walk along the river, two hours of fresh air in the garden and then another trip to the play area in Holywells Park. Lots of walking for me! We were hoping the fresh air would mean a full night's sleep for her. No - it was the worse night for ages as Maya had a filthy cold and woke constantly. Still I chose to ignore her snuffles and took her swimming on Thursday - which she loved - I was worried she would have forgotten everything as we haven't been for weeks. We had lunch with friends and then another walk to find the swings on the Grange Farm.
Today the weather turned and we were back in our winter finery, so probably a bad day to head to a cold damp Felixstowe! A big trot up and down the high street (several times, as I don't know where anything is!) was all we could manage in terms of walking today. The highlight of the day probably was sitting in the tiny reading boat in Felixstowe with Maya!
At times I feel that my old life seems a million miles away and all I seem to do is washing, ironing and cleaning up poo, and wonder how I will cope when I am back in the classroom and leading my department, but when the sun is out maternity leave seems the best thing in the world and despite the really crap pay I could do it forever! So hopefully getting out and about in the fresh air and walking my socks off will start showing some results...
Anyway this week was back to normal, with one noticeable exception - the lovely weather. This has been a week of sun and no need for a big coat, I even managed to hang some washing out - such a sad thing to get excited about!
Maya and I have been walking all over the place. After I had her I was delighted to discover that I actually weighed less than before I got pregnant. Unfortunately after almost eight months of eating loads and using the breastfeeding excuse (which ran out three months ago) I think I have almost piled it all back on. Now by no means will I be starring on any sensitively titled Channel 4 documentaries in the future or have just my arse filmed by a news reporter as I walk down the high street, but as I did manage to lose that weight last night, it would be nice to do it again. I would also like to start running, but am fully aware that I do not have the commitment to probably even start this one!
So I am hoping that if I keep walking all over the place I might get a bit fitter. I am also trying to eat cake less often. Failed today after some delicious lemon cake in Costa (well, I did miss breakfast!). Monday was just a gentle stroll up to the Murray Road play area. Not the nicest of play areas but does have baby swings so it kept us busy for half an hour or so. On Tuesday we walked over 4 miles with the buggy - Maya and I had a little trip to the play area in Holywells Park to go to the play area, then after a quick rest at home we got Paddy and headed out again. This time a big loop around Murray Road and Landseer Parks - both Paddy and I were wiped out by the end of the afternoon. Maya was not.
Wednesday saw us getting back into our normal baby activities - we kicked off with singing in the library at Woodbridge, followed by a trip to the play area, lunch outside a cafe, a reasonably long walk along the river, two hours of fresh air in the garden and then another trip to the play area in Holywells Park. Lots of walking for me! We were hoping the fresh air would mean a full night's sleep for her. No - it was the worse night for ages as Maya had a filthy cold and woke constantly. Still I chose to ignore her snuffles and took her swimming on Thursday - which she loved - I was worried she would have forgotten everything as we haven't been for weeks. We had lunch with friends and then another walk to find the swings on the Grange Farm.
Today the weather turned and we were back in our winter finery, so probably a bad day to head to a cold damp Felixstowe! A big trot up and down the high street (several times, as I don't know where anything is!) was all we could manage in terms of walking today. The highlight of the day probably was sitting in the tiny reading boat in Felixstowe with Maya!
At times I feel that my old life seems a million miles away and all I seem to do is washing, ironing and cleaning up poo, and wonder how I will cope when I am back in the classroom and leading my department, but when the sun is out maternity leave seems the best thing in the world and despite the really crap pay I could do it forever! So hopefully getting out and about in the fresh air and walking my socks off will start showing some results...
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